no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
