a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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