Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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