Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
