So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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