i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
