whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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