Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i think my mom watched the whole time
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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