I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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