I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
