counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
me + whiskey = a bad person
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
