So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
