I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
3pm strippers are depressing
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
