Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
