oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
