Betty ford says i'm here all night
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
