Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
ok first of all what the fuck
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
