I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
