you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
