I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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