Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
