I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
