Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
