youre lurking in front of me
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize