Tell her she can't have a vagina
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
