Can i not drive my cunt home
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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