mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
