hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
