I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
