You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Randomize
