im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i love accidental penises.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
