I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I enjoy the company of your penis
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
