Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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