i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
