The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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