How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
