Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
