The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
