i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
