Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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