I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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