I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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