I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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