It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Randomize
