Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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