Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
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