Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
