Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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