I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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