end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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