My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
