Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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