I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
