Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
