Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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