just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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