i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
