Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
