dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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