And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
