Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
