I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
