dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
